I wrote an entry but then dA and firefox crashed, copy and paste couldn't save it, so here I am writing it OVER AGAIN. My bank account is at $0.00 thanks to ebay and a website that claims it'll only charge $9 monthly. Which is not the fucking case. That's not even the main issue, I'm not too worried on that, just now $20 short from ebay and a transfer fee. Rant and explanation below. Again.
So I figured out what my issue is when it comes to work production and keeping on time with owed artworks. As of October 2013 I had officially run out of my medications. I haev severe anxiety and depression. The side effects of not taking my meds have slowly been catching up. It started in January when I also just happened to have serious stomach issues. I avoided food like the plague. I slept for hours during the day. I couldn't sit up long enough at the computer to draw something. I owed my clients commissions that were Christmas themed, hell, I still DO. I can't even do refunds thanks to Paypal being a piece of shit. I should've never bothered but that was long before I knew this shit was happening in my life.
The depression wasn't really something I thought about being a factor in my workload. Now that I've figured it out, it all makes sense. To get refills I'd need to make an appointment with my doctor again. Oh, but what a shame he's.. retired? No he's not.. Oh the office phones are disconnected? Weird, they're not now
.. Oh, make an appointment? That never happened.
It's alright though, my doctor is literal trash. He was the only person I could see though cause he was somewhat local. I was a drug tester for him. If a drug didn't have any effect on me during the month he called it in, he switched it. He kept giving me more and more drugs. Finally, sometime early last year, I had the perfect medication. My anxiety and depression were put on the back burner and I wasn't too
bad. Come October, it's been a week or so without my medication, but I had felt no difference.
He'd tell me how untalented I was, how retarded I am, how much of a burden I'd be on society, how I should walk a bridge during rush out to lose weight in the stabbing heat of the sun during the summer, and HOW I'D LIVE UNDER A BRIDGE. He'd call me stupid, say I'd never have a future. Y'know, things you want to hear from your doctor?
Okay, telling an already depressed person with thoughts of suicide these things thinking it'll hit them and they'll go, "Hey, I should start doing things better with my life!" doesn't work. Maybe for other depressed people? I dunno, I'm not a doctor. I'm an untalented stupid uneducated kid who'll be a hobo in no time. It didn't work for me. It made me angrier. I already have anger issues from my dad's side, was that really necessary? DOC?
The reviews of this man come out the same as I've said though. I am not the only victim of verbal abuse/bullying from this man. I'm not alone, but seeing as there were only a few reviews, it feels like only several more people dealt with this. I know the birth giver dealt with him cause she was sent away to a psychiatric ward of some sorts for self harm when her husband left her and cheated on her. She needed to talk and see him as well but refused. I can seeeeeeeeee the probleeeeeeeeeeeeeem.
Doing commissions used to be snap snap snap, done done done. I am REALLY fast at working with my art. Now I seem to be suffering from chronic pain. I'm not a doctor so I can't really SAY THAT. I never thought about it too much until now, I finally realize, my depression has taken control of my motivation and control. I'm pretty much back tracking to when I was 17 and thought suicide was the better option. I'm up to that point again. All I need to do is see another doctor and have them prescribe me these amazing pills. Oh, but i have to wait til I have health insurance again so until then it's fingers crossed, breath held for me.
I wasn't even on the right medication at 17, I was still depressed, my family still pushed me, school made me absolutely insane, I had bad anxiety.. Until TheFightingMongooses
was being all lovey-dovey and confessed his [still shocked about it] feelings towards me. Really, the reason I didn't end it all then was because, hey guys, I have a fresh new boyfriend to DISTRACT ME from all the sadness. I mean, I was still sad but I was so fucking happy to be with someone who could relate [to a point] and care. I love him so much.
Now, here we are 2014 where things are just going so bad for not only me, but the family. We lost Booboo, we may be losing a family member, Ma was dealing with her own insanity cause she was abusing her medication so she's slowly returning back to normal but STILL FRUSTRATING. They think it's okay to push me when I'm upset as it is. My frustrations would come out and I'd get yelled at about it. I'm sorry, human beings are meant to be happy and have no other emotions, right? Oh, shut up, everyone in my family has a god damn issue. You'd think they'd be understanding about it cause they're also frustrated? No, it's just.. more yelling and unnecessary comments.
I do not want to resort back to suicide as an option. I have way too much work I want done. I want to do my comics, I want to record an album, I want to meet the love of my life. Oh but that should also be set aside for real life issues. Like, paying bills, which I do on my own. I should be paying rent to live here but getting a job is insane. I can't drive, I never finished school, so no job in this area at least. I could get a job 2 hours away from my house but no way of transportation.
So what do I do instead? Art. What can I not seem to do due to depression? Art. Life is shit and I'm shit, but god forbid if I express my feelings to have an understanding from my own family.
If I owe you a commission from MONTHS ago I encourage you bug the shit out of me to finish it. BUT NOT IF YOU JUST
commissioned me a day or so ago and ask me how it's going. There's been quite a lot of people doing that.. Ehm.. I literally have so much shit to do and now you all see the problem in what's happening on my end.
People can say, "Marie, it's your own fault for accepting so many commissions if you knew you couldn't handle it!" That's just it, I DIDN'T know I couldn't handle it. I'm just finally understanding and putting the pieces together in my mental health on why I can't do it now
2013 was such an amazing year to me. I got to meet Ke$ha and go to Universal Studios and I wasn't in a giant slump! October - Now, I'm without medication to keep me on track and it's making 2014 to be an incredibly shit year. It's only just now March, seriously. Christmas was a sign of slump as well, as I've had commissions Christmas themed and I could not deliver. So really, December - Now is the biggest mess ever.
I can apologize as much as I can but it won't make up for what I still owe. I just hope people understand this a little better as to what's going on in my brain.
TL;DR: I haven't had my medication to chill me out so now I'm fucked up and I'm a fuck up and everything's fucked up, that's why the art load has been so bad and slow.